Having read Emma’s review and heard so many positives about this place from others, I have decided to give the True Self Centre of Being a try. You know how it is – I want to shake things up a bit, or in this case calm things down some. I’ve checked out their roster and their classes are not only affordable, but they sound pretty interesting and have gotten rave reviews. Now, this is all part of a personal wellness journey I started a few weeks ago. As some of you will know I turn 35 in September, and over the last decade I have gained about 40 dress sizes. Well let’s just say I am no longer a size 4-6 which, was a perfectly acceptable size, for my height. At first the weight came on slowly, but after 10 years it adds up.
During that time I yo-yo ed quite a bit, all in an effort to satisfy other people’s expectations of what I ought to look like. When you did ballet and swam for more than half your life people judge you when you get pudgy ’round the middle section, and your arms look like you can take flight. That right there was the problem! I was so ill at ease with myself and my body that when results didn’t come fast enough, I would just give up. Hard work has never scared me, the things at which I have succeeded or about which I am most proud have always required hard work. However, while I was usually self motivated, this was different. It wasn’t really about me or for me. I was trying to fix something other people thought I had broken, so when I failed I was failing them. When I was struggled it was out of a sense of obligation – not to myself but to others.
Unfortunately, many young women fall prey to this mindset. I spent my mid twenties to early thirties, caught in this circular loop – of failing others and therefore failing myself. So every-time that dress size went up one my self esteem and self worth went down two. My weight was merely the symptom of a much larger problem: an inability to define myself as adult, literally living in the skin I was in. Not to sound too new agey here but if you are at odds with who you are internally (your nature) nothing you try to accomplish will ever succeed. How can it? And so, as I tried to define myself using other people’s templates of success I often found myself straying further and further away from who I was fundamentally. No wonder my body struggled. It was not only playing home to who I was, which was shrinking into nothingness, but it was also trying to house all these other things, I thought, everybody else thought I needed to be. It’s taken years of denial, debilitating self doubt, and deep introspection, to come to some of these conclusions but there you have it, the truth. Yup, definitely a Virgo (true people pleaser.)
A funny thing happened on the way to this particular forum though — yes, the joy of being old enough to get that reference, but I digress — having now come to the realization that this is the skin I’m in and, finally learning to be comfortable with it, I feel so much more energized and thrilled by the notion of getting healthy. Eating cleaner doesn’t feel quite so much like a burden now. Some days I do really well and some days I dig in to that 7 layer dip. The difference is that a few years ago if I messed up or cheated my world would have come to an end. And after facing the disappointing failure that I was; I would have simply given up. Today, I shrug my shoulders and do an extra kilometer on my morning run. Because, the fact is, the world hasn’t stopped spinning, no matter my dress size, and I do eat properly more often than not. Perhaps that’s the important lesson, after 35 years, I’ve learned to forgive myself.
Now, I look at every day as just another step. I think I know a little better so, I try to do a little better in every aspect of my life. I eat a little better. I meditate a little more. I judge a little less. I haven’t mastered these things, but each act is in itself a sort of soul excavation. I’m digging away at years of gunk,and mud, and ruble, trying to find that bit of me which is still intact. I haven’t lost a lot of fat, but you’d be surprised to know how much lighter I feel.
At the right time everything falls into place. Now that I’ve started this journey here comes Miss Petchary with her glowing review found via the link below, and I’m all about it. I’m dying to try some of these classes, and to stretch my mind and body in new and interesting ways. Am especially excited about Tai Chi, so who knows, maybe I’ll catch one or two of you there.
Until next we speak, One Love, Walk Good, Namaste
— BM —
Please see Petchary’s post here The (Un)bearable Lightness of Being.